Translation that went really wrong (or should we say, kinky?)

A great friend, Albert, sent me this. What a laugh:

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.  It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic

noise since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederats(...pedestrians).

Bed :
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:  When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

Age - A good laugh

A good friend sent me this. Had a good laugh, and am happy to share

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY 
SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. 

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED 

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK? 

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, BASTARD ASKED..

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???"

Using mobile phone in a public place

I just love this.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and

closed her eyes. 

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next
to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a
loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train"

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty,
but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office.
It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough,
she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the
phone and come back to bed." 

Who is the BOSS

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"